If I had a Nickle

For every moron that asks:

Are you serious, $1.90 to send a magazine?

Yes, I am serious.  Why don't you march your happy ass to UPS or FedEx and see how much that will cost you?  NEXT


I got this in the mail and it was broken, I want to talk to your boss.

Talk all you want, but since no one bought the insurance, you're not getting shit. NEXT


I don't know why the post office sells those Muslim stamps?

Because America is a melting pot and the post office has chosen to honor all religions and ethnic celebrations.  Don't worry, when I'm Postmaster General, you will have one kind of stamp and like it. NEXT


I don't need insurance or anything, you guys do a great job.

Considering the volume of mail we handle, there are always a few items lost or damaged(or stolen), so don't come in here bitching next week.  NEXT


Don't the carries come to the door any more?  I was home all day.

Maybe you were taking a crap?  Or you were on beer run?  I don't know, but they're suppose to try. NEXT

I never sign my credit cards.  It's safer that way.

Just so you know, the criminals are more clever than either one of us, if they get your card they will find a way to use it no matter what you have on the back of the card.  Sign the damn thing if you want to buy some stamps.


I moved a few weeks ago and I'm not getting my mail at my new house. Did you fill out a change of address card? No

How the hell do expect the mail to find you if you don't tell us where you've moved?  We're not psychics.  NEXT


I need to buy some stamps.

Good thing you came to the post office.  NEXT


No, nothing like that, it's just . . .

I don't really give a shit what is in the damned box as long as it isn't fragile, liquid, perishable, or hazardous.  The more information you give me, the more likely I am to tell you we can't mail that. NEXT


I need to send this to Nigeria.

Has the payment cleared PayPal?  Seriously, nothing ever bought by a Nigerian is legit.  But I'll take your $35 to send it if you really want.  NEXT