If I had a Nickle

For every moron that asks:

Are you serious, $1.90 to send a magazine?

Yes, I am serious.  Why don't you march your happy ass to UPS or FedEx and see how much that will cost you?  NEXT


I got this in the mail and it was broken, I want to talk to your boss.

Talk all you want, but since no one bought the insurance, you're not getting shit. NEXT


I don't know why the post office sells those Muslim stamps?

Because America is a melting pot and the post office has chosen to honor all religions and ethnic celebrations.  Don't worry, when I'm Postmaster General, you will have one kind of stamp and like it. NEXT


I don't need insurance or anything, you guys do a great job.

Considering the volume of mail we handle, there are always a few items lost or damaged(or stolen), so don't come in here bitching next week.  NEXT


Don't the carries come to the door any more?  I was home all day.

Maybe you were taking a crap?  Or you were on beer run?  I don't know, but they're suppose to try. NEXT

I never sign my credit cards.  It's safer that way.

Just so you know, the criminals are more clever than either one of us, if they get your card they will find a way to use it no matter what you have on the back of the card.  Sign the damn thing if you want to buy some stamps.


I moved a few weeks ago and I'm not getting my mail at my new house. Did you fill out a change of address card? No

How the hell do expect the mail to find you if you don't tell us where you've moved?  We're not psychics.  NEXT


I need to buy some stamps.

Good thing you came to the post office.  NEXT


No, nothing like that, it's just . . .

I don't really give a shit what is in the damned box as long as it isn't fragile, liquid, perishable, or hazardous.  The more information you give me, the more likely I am to tell you we can't mail that. NEXT


I need to send this to Nigeria.

Has the payment cleared PayPal?  Seriously, nothing ever bought by a Nigerian is legit.  But I'll take your $35 to send it if you really want.  NEXT

I Like Big Trucks, I Can Not Lie

Over the last year and a half or so, my brother and I switch vehicles on a semi-regular basis.  I have a 2007 Toyota Corolla.  Red, of course. With power windows, power locks, cruise control, and a few other basic luxuries.  And about 37 miles to the gallon.

He has two thousand-something or other GMC Sierra.  Old Man Tan, of course. Regular cab with the long bed.  A real work truck with power steering and a radio.  And about 15 miles to the gallon.

The reason for the trade is all about gas mileage.  I drive six blocks to work, he has to go about 60 miles.  Each way.

Recently, I have discovered I really like driving the truck.  I like riding high off the road.  I like the not to smooth ride.  But I really love the looks I get when I climb in and out of the driver's seat.  The looks of jealousy from a guy in khaki's reaching into the backseat of his crossover (cough, cough station wagon, cough)  to get kids out of their car seats.  And the longing of almost forgotten freedom that comes from the passenger's seat of a minivan.  Even better, are the looks of despair and lifelessness the poor schleps forced to drive a Kia Rio or Hyundai Accent.  Life is good in the driver's seat of a pick-up truck.

And it seems like the Sport has been taken out of SUVs.  Suburbans and Jeep Cherokees use to be the vehicles of choice for hunters, ranchers, the military, and forest rangers.  Now, there seems to be a bizarre inverse ratio of vehicle size to the size of the soccer mom behind the wheel.  And the primary use of SUVs is to get groceries and chauffeur kids to practice or games.  So those days of longing for a Toyota 4 Runner or a Chevrolet Equinox are long gone.

I guess I am just getting in touch with my inner hillbilly. I've always preferred to go barefoot.  And to drink beer. Se being a hillbilly isn't much of a stretch.  Of course I will be a high maintenance type of hillbilly.  Just because I want to drive a monster truck in no way diminishes my love of pedicures, salon visits, and shoes.  And expensive make-up.  And purses.  And Guinness.  Especially Guinness.

So while, I may just break down and purchase a hillbilly mobile at some point in my life, I plan on keeping all of my teeth.  And listening to NPR.  And I don't think I'll ever be an overalls wearing girl.  (If you would have seen the pictures of me in overalls at eight months pregnant looking all Oompah Loopah-y, you would understand.)

But I do like driving big trucks.

Cleaning House, Facebook Style

Dear Recently Unfriended Person,

Please don't take it personally.   See, I don't have a fancy iPhone or Blackberry or other smart phone.  I have more of C+ or B- kind of phone.  It won't take over a small country, but it keeps me connected to the world in an adequate manner.  It works for me.  But all your crap was driving me crazy.

If I unfriended you, I have never even met you.  I am more picky about my friends now.  So hopefully I won't have to go through with this again.

Some of you were connections made while I got sucked into a couple of Zynga crack-like games.  Your assistance virtually conquering the Middle Ages, Vampires, Bakers, and Farms was invaluable at the time.  Now is not the time.  I tried hiding the posts from the games, but you figured out how to get past that.  You started posting requests as status updates. And some of you found time to go on manic video posts binges, posting links to every music video Duran Duran ever made. So, buh-bye

The same goes for all the pages I "Liked." Most make post or two a day, some less frequent than that.  Those pages I still like.  Any page that felt like they were going to change the world by posting a link to an article with the same self important blurb, is no longer clogging things up.  Yes, Boycott BP, I'm talking about you.  And the Beer Party,  I love your name.  I applaud your dedication, but enough is enough with the half assed MS Paint edited pictures.  If you're going to display your cleverness with pictures, splurge for Photoshop.

So please, don't feel hurt or slighted when you realize your friend or fan count has dropped. Unless you're one of those friend whores.  Then get a life.  A real one.  Where you go outside.  And talk to real people.

It'll be O.K., you're not really a vampire.  I promise the sunshine won't hurt you.  Would an unfriend lie to you?

There comes a time

Getting older is a bitch. Things creak and pop when I walk. When I wake up, it takes longer to get going. And when I fall asleep at nine or ten O'clock on a Saturday night, I don't feel like I've missed anything.

There are few advantages to getting a little older. (And I'm not talking about that AARP discount) I am much calmer and more tolerant than I use to be. When I was younger, I was convinced I was right about everything and it was my duty to correct people. Now, I don't care. It is your choice to sound like an idiot. I just don't look like an ass pointing out your stupidity to the rest of the world.

Getting older means acceptance. I accept that might never run a marathon. Or race in the Indianapolis 500.

Unfortunately, some people can't accept the changes that time brings. And while I am fighting the aging process through chemistry (and probably surgery in the future), I have accepted that there are certain things reserved for younger people.

Like miniskirts. Super cute on little girls. Adorable on teenagers. Sexy and alluring in your twenties. After about 35 (I give a pass to Tina Turner and Heidi Klum), pathetic. If you're over 50 and think you look good in a miniskirt, you're just in denial.

And make-up. Seriously, more is just more at my age. There isn't enough concealer in all of the land to hide the splotches, scars, wrinkles, and blotches on my skin. But younger ladies can get away with false eyelashes and body glitter without looking like aging strippers. And little girls can get away with anything.

And food. Sometimes, as we age, certain foods don't agree with our constitution. Acid reflux, gas, and heavens forbid, constipation. There are plenty of pills and potions to cure the symptoms, but why not just avoid the foods that cause the problems. I know ice cream is frozen ecstasy, but if I was lactose intolerant, I would avoid it. I don't eat meat, because it causes me to create my my own personal fog. A kind of aromatic force field. So, when you get to that age that you've become obsessed with the corn kernels in your poop, don't talk about it.

And driving. My driving skills are still excellent. I am sure there will come a time that I will lose my edge, but I don't see when that will happen. Hopefully I find acceptance before I start shaking my fist when some whipper snapper passes me doing 35 on Coliseum Blvd (for my Missouri friends, think Manchester Blvd). Or when I decide that the safest move on the interstate is to move my minivan into the left hand lane so that the big rig behind me can pass on the right. All the while oblivious to the fact that I just cut off a chick in a Toyota cruising along at 9.5 miles over the posted speed limit. Yeah, that is definitely smart.

So, people, getting older just means we have to accept that we can't do the things we use to do. But we'll be sure to tell our children and their children just how great we were. Repeatedly, because memory is the first thing to go. That's because we can't miss what we don't remember

Biggest Loser (Not Looser NIcole)

At work, we've all decided that we're tired of being fat. Some more fat, some more tired. All a matter of perspective I guess.

I of course signed right up. Me being a bit over weight and all.

There was a minimum entry fee of only $10, but with thirty people in, makes for a fabulous cash prize in the the end

The winner will be determined by who loses the largest percentage of weight between now and April 15. Hopefully, I weigh in before Emily's birthday cake. Or not, any leftovers might as well be on death row.

Some people have complicated yet sensible strategies, like keeping food diaries and working out. Which is way too complicated.

Others have opted for strategies like fasting or working out until their exhausted. Too drastic for me.

Me, I'm a simple girl, so easy is the best way to go. And I don't like to be uncomfortable. So starving and sweating really would be more than I want to take on right now. Originally, I thought of going back on the TrimSpa and energy drink diet. But, I can't buy TrimSpa at walmart. And if I have to buy it on the internet and wait (because we all know how patient I am), I'm going have to pass.

So plan is, and I do have one, to stop drinking pop. Not more gas station food. For me, that is like eliminating an entire food group. But it's for a good cause, cash.

As for fitness, I bought Appetite for Destruction for my iPod. It is the rockinest work out/running cd evar. For a little variety, I might buy Republica next. We'll see how this goes.

So far, I've lost eight pounds which is about 4% of my starting weight. (For you nonmathletes, I started at 159)

I'll keep everyone posted. If I win, I'm buying doughnuts for everyone.