There comes a time

Getting older is a bitch. Things creak and pop when I walk. When I wake up, it takes longer to get going. And when I fall asleep at nine or ten O'clock on a Saturday night, I don't feel like I've missed anything.

There are few advantages to getting a little older. (And I'm not talking about that AARP discount) I am much calmer and more tolerant than I use to be. When I was younger, I was convinced I was right about everything and it was my duty to correct people. Now, I don't care. It is your choice to sound like an idiot. I just don't look like an ass pointing out your stupidity to the rest of the world.

Getting older means acceptance. I accept that might never run a marathon. Or race in the Indianapolis 500.

Unfortunately, some people can't accept the changes that time brings. And while I am fighting the aging process through chemistry (and probably surgery in the future), I have accepted that there are certain things reserved for younger people.

Like miniskirts. Super cute on little girls. Adorable on teenagers. Sexy and alluring in your twenties. After about 35 (I give a pass to Tina Turner and Heidi Klum), pathetic. If you're over 50 and think you look good in a miniskirt, you're just in denial.

And make-up. Seriously, more is just more at my age. There isn't enough concealer in all of the land to hide the splotches, scars, wrinkles, and blotches on my skin. But younger ladies can get away with false eyelashes and body glitter without looking like aging strippers. And little girls can get away with anything.

And food. Sometimes, as we age, certain foods don't agree with our constitution. Acid reflux, gas, and heavens forbid, constipation. There are plenty of pills and potions to cure the symptoms, but why not just avoid the foods that cause the problems. I know ice cream is frozen ecstasy, but if I was lactose intolerant, I would avoid it. I don't eat meat, because it causes me to create my my own personal fog. A kind of aromatic force field. So, when you get to that age that you've become obsessed with the corn kernels in your poop, don't talk about it.

And driving. My driving skills are still excellent. I am sure there will come a time that I will lose my edge, but I don't see when that will happen. Hopefully I find acceptance before I start shaking my fist when some whipper snapper passes me doing 35 on Coliseum Blvd (for my Missouri friends, think Manchester Blvd). Or when I decide that the safest move on the interstate is to move my minivan into the left hand lane so that the big rig behind me can pass on the right. All the while oblivious to the fact that I just cut off a chick in a Toyota cruising along at 9.5 miles over the posted speed limit. Yeah, that is definitely smart.

So, people, getting older just means we have to accept that we can't do the things we use to do. But we'll be sure to tell our children and their children just how great we were. Repeatedly, because memory is the first thing to go. That's because we can't miss what we don't remember