This is an actual factual Transcript

A little background:

On Saturday night, my sisters, my friend and I ended up at a karaoke bar, again.  And there was kilt boy.  He recognized my sister by her tattoos.  Apparently they were in the tattoo shop getting inked at the same time.  

So the ritual showing of the tats ensued.  Leg tats, tramp stamps, and a few other were bared.  I didn't have any to show, because I have commitment issues, and permanently stabbing ink under the dermis is pretty much more commitment than I can handle.  Hell, I don't like buying canned foods if the shelf life is too long.

Well, I talked to kilt boy and found out that he's a vet and fireman (and will be hence forth known as fire boy).  I knew I shopping in aisle 27 or 29, but that's better than aisle 22.  A few beers and several shots of vodka later, I decided to talk to fire boy in the parking lot, since it was quieter.  

Well, I shot him down.  Not because he wasn't cute.  He was plenty of that.  But I didn't know his last name.  I'm not on any type of birth control and I don't like kids much.  And, my sisters would have broke into random window rapping, setting off car alarms.  

So, I go back to the herd and we go home.  OK, back to Erin's place, but close enough.  Sunday morning bring demolishing the breakfast buffet at Azar's with the family and headed south and west for home.

On the return trip, I decided to stop at Chateau Thomas and pick up a few bottles of Indiana wine.  As I was getting back in the car, I had a text message.  What follows is a transcript of the three way text message conversation with my sister, fire boy, and myself.  Keep in mind I'm flying down Highway 70, so all this takes place between Indianapolis and Terre Haute.  Anything in italics is what I was thinking.

FireBoy: Id nail ur sister with the irish tats.  huh

Me: I'll let her know

FB: Tell her to text me double huh

ME:No problem this is going to be funny

ME:  forward slimy message to Erin

Sister: huh?

ME: I just got that from the fireman

SIS: that cuz men r pigs!

ME: See it was good that I left him hanging

SIS:that y i dont pick up men in bars. i just go out 4 the music & beer.. met will bowling.. met matt bowling.. met beerman bowling.  c the pattern!?!

ME: Yuo.  What's up with the ColtsD

Some random texts between Sister and I about football

ME: Fireman wants you to text him

SIS: no thanx he made out with my sister

ME: No glory pinch hitting

SIS:aint pinch hittin.. men r just pigs & that 1 of the rules  no sharing

ME: Sister said she's not a relief pitcher

FB: Ouch

ME: We never were much on sharing

FB: Haha she'd fuc me and the one in the black shirt prouby would toits the kilt and big cock haha What a tool

ME: The one in the black is terminally married 

FB: Yee whaa! Serious ur sis with tats doesn't like me? Nor wouldnt even make out

ME: Serious. She has someone.  She'll flirt, but that about all she does.  That and make sure I make it home

More random texts about football and the long drive home.

And yes, I actually spell thing out and punctuate my test messages. I'm a little anal about it, get over it.

 

My Sisters' Rules

I come from a large Catholic family.  A large, loud, possibly overbearing family.  I only get to visit a few times a year, which is all most people can take.  They have been known to chase off boyfriends, girlfriends, and a few spouses.  But all in all, anyone of us would bail the others out of jail.  Unless we're occupying adjoining cells.

There is no topic off limits at the dinner table.  Even when we are in public.  So, if you and your precious snowflake are seated anywhere near us be prepared for the following to be discussed:

Sex of all types.  Regular, oral, anal, masturbation.  

Drinking.  We like a good beer often.  One sister is obsessed with tequila

More sex

Which ever sibling isn't present 

Lack of sex

What a turd our father was

Gambling

And profanity will fly.  Hanging with my family isn't for the faint of heart.  And don't try to impress us.  With six of us left and the accompanying nieces and nephews, one of us has probably been there, done that, and one of us witnessed it.

We all work and most of us have spawned a replacement.  There are even a few great grandchildren for my mother to spoil.  The amazing thing is how stable the men turned out and how absolutely rowdy my sisters and I are.  Even the women that married into the family fit in. (We gave a sister-in-law a sympathy card when she married our brother.)  The men, well, Erin, Heather and I figure they're interchangeable.

So when I drug my friend up to Fort Wayne for the big Vera Bradley purse sale, I figured fun was a foot.  She's kind of a stick in the mud at home and even though she says she doesn't regret anything (and no, she didn't do anything stupid, illegal, or immoral) she still doesn't want too many details released.  

Personally, I try not to do anything that I'll have to explain away.  If I have fun and flash someone, oh well.  If I drink and end up singing karaoke, oh well that will never happen again.  If I do something stupid, I own up to it.  Erin knows a good attorney and my brothers keep bail money handy, so illegal is pretty well covered.  And immoral, well,  that's a very personal issue and I've done well in that area.

My sisters have a few rules to cover some gray areas:

1.  If you don't remember, it didn't happen

2.  Drunk people make bad witnesses, sometimes stories are exaggerated so don't believe everything you hear

3.  Anything that happens in a different country, area code, or zip code gets a free pass

4.  You have to buy all three sisters a drink to talk to one of us

5.  The next person that gets between me and the game will earn a beat down 

6.  If you want someones number, pretend to lose your phone 

7.  Married men are someone else's problem and we are not the solution

8.  Sisters don't leave sisters behind

Thems the rules, I didn't make them (expect #5), I just try to live by them.