Sometime a joke isn't funny

I can't eat meat  Seriously, I can't eat meat anymore.  I turned to vegetarianism a couple of years ago as a bit of a joke.  A few days  a week I'd go meatless, but when a cheese burger craving occurred or  the BBQ chicken heart attack on a bun  I would indulge.  I wasn't really concerned when the meat craving became fewer and farther between.

And then I decided to rejoin the ranks of the carnivore.  Mostly because i was tired of sounding like a picky eater, which I've always been anyway.  And, even though I hate the antibiotics and growth hormones being pumped into the industrial farmed animals, I actually liked the taste of meat.  So I figured, joke is over.  

I went back in whole hog.  Ham, egg, and cheese for breakfast, you betch ya.  Cheese burger and chili fries for lunch sounded like heaven.  Chef salad with extra meat was a dinner staple.   Mmm pork, chicken, and beef.

But then something happened.  I didn't notice it right away, it took a three or four days.  It seemed like I was extra gassy.  Not belching in public or ripping one at inopportune times.  It was more like a perfume that emanated from every pore of my body.  And, like anyone that spent anytime in the field in the service, when you can smell yourself it has to be bad.  And it's wasn't our standard rotten egg gas or the brief burst stink.

No, this became an aura of stank.  It had an initial tinge of rotten eggs, but evolved into a foul stench that followed me everywhere.  And not like crop dusting in Wal-Mart that leaves a brief trail of odor as you stroll the aisles.  No this is what being Pig Pen must be like.

So I decided I need to find a cause.  What had changed over the last month or so.  I hadn't changed beers or wines.  I was still using the same soap, shampoo, and deodorant. Oh, that's right, I'm eating meat again. 

So I stopped eating meat again.  And the force field eased.  No longer did I stink.  Thinking that the answer couldn't be that simple, I sampled a little meat.  White Castles probably wasn't the brightest choice, but I wanted something to remember.  And it was back like a Stephen King boogie man.

So, I guess I'll be parting ways with meat again for good this time.  I guess my body would adjust in time, but the unpleasantness isn't really worth it.  I survived just fine without meat before, guess that's one steak for you to enjoy.  Now, where's my salad